Big Brother 13, The Finale: Epic Fail

[Natyn]

by William Hammon
-- 09/15/2011

After 10 weeks, dozens of competitions, and countless acts of brazen stupidity, it’s time to crown a winner of one of the most subpar seasons of Big Brother in the show’s history.

In a final three consisting of an idiot, a floater, and an idiotic floater, who will come out on top and claim the half-million dollar prize? How will the jury contradict themselves in their deliberations? Can Evel Dick (above) criticize his daughter’s game to her face? You’ve come this far, might as well finish it.

Previously on Why are You Watching if You Don’t Already Know What Happened? , a whole bunch of stuff happened this summer that you should already know about. The duos twist sucked, Evel Dick left early (removing about 90% of the strategy from the game), there were a bunch of fights, and Rachel and Brendon Were Bat-Poo Insane. In the end, we were left with one of the most underwhelming final threes in the show’s history – Rachel, Porsche, and Adam.

CHENBOT! ACTIVATE!

Host Julie Chen welcomes the audience, both at home and live in the studio. Tonight will see the end of this season of Big Brother, one that already ranks fairly low all-time in many fans’ eyes, and may end up even worse by the end of the evening. We’ve got a jam-packed show, including the results of the three-part final Head of Household (HOH) competition, the last eviction, jury deliberations, the cast reunion, and ultimately, the crowning of this year’s winner. Personally, I’ll only be remotely satisfied if Adam pulls off the victory, but even then it’d be like polishing a turd at best. If either Rachel or Porsche wins, I may give up on this show altogether.

Let’s get started then, shall we? We begin where we left off last Thursday, with the final three clinging to a giant mixer being spun around over (and inside) a pool of “butter,” with food coloring occasionally being shot in their faces. Rachel makes light of this, prompting me to wonder how many jokes I can think up about Rachel being shot in the face with goo.

Each of the final three gets a brief diary room session to explain how much they need to win, but for the most part, it’s pretty standard fare. The only thing worth mentioning is Porsche reminding us that she has a final two deal with Rachel. This was made after Porsche won the final Power of Veto (POV) competition, and we are shown the scene to refresh our memories.

As Part 1 of the final HOH competition progresses, Adam is the first to show signs of giving in. He tells us that he’s in severe pain, especially in his legs. Also, his arms are tired from holding onto his back plank above his head. I suspect the latter is because he can’t wrap his arms behind him like Rachel and Porsche are doing.
Adam tries to lift each leg individually, hoping to ease the pain by stretching them out. Unfortunately, this only makes things worse. He tells the other two that he can’t last much longer, leading Rachel to mock him in the diary room for not getting past the pain. Just after 29 minutes, Adam falls out. In the diary room, he tells us that he didn’t want to damage his body, and that he needed to save what little strength he has for Part 2.

Once Adam’s out, Porsche begins experiencing nausea, particularly when she and Rachel are partially dunked into the pool. She tells us the “butter” felt chunky, and if the blades had spun any faster, she would have made it chunkier. Thanks for sharing, Porsche.

Porsche whispers to Adam, asking how Rachel is doing. Adam sees that Rachel is completely stone-faced and has her eyes closed; she is in the zone. He tells Porsche this, leading her to begin vocalizing her discomfort in hopes of jarring Rachel loose. Instead, Rachel comments from the diary room that she hopes Porsche drops before she barfs. So, to be clear, she mocked Adam for expressing pain, but sarcastically supports Porsche when she’s sick. Even within one competition, she can’t help but contradict herself. This is why Rachel Is Bat-Poo Insane.

Just after 46 minutes, Porsche finally drops out, comically holding her nose as she jumps, even though she never goes under “water.” Rachel has officially won Part 1 of the final HOH competition and will advance to Part 3. She’s psyched that she’s one step away from the finals. She also brings up the final two deal she has with Porsche, but also teases that she’ll do whatever’s in her best interest, which may mean evicting her.

From here, we immediately jump to Part 2 of the final HOH competition. Porsche and Adam will compete separately, with Porsche going first. She heads out to the back yard to find a set that looks like a pirate ship, with a tank on the side. She then reads the instructions off a nearby card.

In what is essentially a combination of the second parts of the final HOH competitions from Seasons 8 and 9, each player will have to submerge themselves in the tank and fish out the faces of the 11 HOHs this season (that’s the Season 8 part). They will then have to guide those faces through a maze on the wall of the tank and place each head in its proper slot to represent the week that each player held the HOH title (that’s Season 9’s contribution). Whoever does it the quickest will win Part 2 and face Rachel to become the final HOH of the season.

Porsche begins her round, taking two heads at a time and working on the left side of the maze first. She tells us via the diary room that she’s spent a lot of time memorizing things, but never underwater. Um, who has?

Despite taking two heads at a time, Porsche loses time by having to constantly come up for air. As she gets closer to the top of the maze, she has to stop halfway up with each head to catch her breath. When she’s done, she tells us she’s really disappointed in her time, which means she’ll probably win, especially if Adam comes in with any degree of confidence.

So now it’s Adam’s turn. Indeed he is confident in his abilities, as he has every event in the house memorized.

Yup, Porsche’s winning. Adam starts from the bottom of the tank, working his way up so that he has to take fewer breaks to catch his breath, which is very smart.

However, what’s not so smart is the decision he makes about halfway through the challenge. As water leaks into his goggles, it makes it harder for him to see the maze, so he throws the goggles over the side. This makes matters worse, because the chlorine in the water stings his eyes so much that he can’t see the maze at all.

Taking the situation from bad to worse, Adam gets out of the tank, climbs down from the apparatus, and searches the yard for his discarded goggles. Once he finds them, he hops back in the tank and quickly finishes, but this may have cost him the game. It was dumb to throw away the goggles, but it was even dumber to waste time by going after them.

With both competitors done, it’s time to reveal the winner. Adam completed the challenge in a time of 6:03, which isn’t bad, all things considered. Porsche, however, completed it in 3:50. In the cruelest of teases, as Porsche’s time is revealed, we see the three positioned to the left of the six in Adam’s time, implying for a brief instant that it took Porsche over a half hour to do the task. Porsche wins Part 2 by a margin of 2:13.

Had Adam not chucked his goggles, he probably would have won.

Porsche is of course stoked to have won Part 2. In the diary room, she says that as long as Rachel honors their deal, she’s guaranteed at least $50,000. Since we get no commentary from Adam, and also no post-competition campaigning, I have to believe that whoever wins will honor that deal.

Now it’s time to go to the jury house, where six of the seven jurors will deliberate the “merits” of the final three candidates. This is always a waste of time, as every single juror knows who they’re voting for in any given situation.

But let’s proceed as if we’re as dumb as Porsche. The first four jurors gather on some patio chairs to await the next two. As always, the jurors tell us who they want to see next. Jeff wants Kalia and Porsche, Brendon wants Porsche definitely, Daniele wants Rachel, and Shelly wants Rachel and Adam. Well wasn’t that enlightening?

Kalia announces her presence by imitating a loser’s trombone riff (watch any cartoon or The Price is Right and you know what I mean). She tells the group that Rachel won HOH and put her out, but that’s all she can say before Jordan joins them. Everyone except Daniele is happy to see Kalia out of the game, and the same is true in reverse for Jordan, as everyone but Daniele is sad. Brendon also celebrates seeing Jordan, but as he explains, it’s because Rachel was HOH when Kalia was evicted, so she was vulnerable the next week, and she survived. He’s happy Rachel wasn’t evicted, not that Jordan was.

With that, it’s time to deliberate the final three. Jordan wants Rachel to win because Rachel won almost half of the competitions. Daniele disagrees, noting that Rachel’s mantra was always to get rid of floaters, but she was the biggest floater of them all, as she always latched onto whoever was in power when it wasn’t her, pretending to be their friend. Jeff adds that as annoying as Rachel was, she did power through to the end.

Daniele brings up Rachel’s behavior, calling it malicious and abhorrent. Brendon brushes that off as her being rough around the edges. Kalia respects the fact that Rachel had one of the toughest roads to the end, but that doesn’t excuse her behavior.

Shelly agrees, wondering openly how someone could so viciously attack people on a personal level on a daily basis, and then be rewarded with a half-million dollars. Hey, it worked for Evel Dick! Jordan counters that Shelly lied and said mean things about everyone, so she has no room to talk. Daniele defends Shelly, saying that all of them bashing other players was usually in a game context. With Rachel, it was always personal, which is why she doesn’t deserve to win. I love the irony that a Donato is decrying personal attacks as a means to deny someone the win. Maybe Jen and Jameka’s votes really got to her.

Talk turns to the other two potential finalists. Jeff and Jordan joke that they barely even knew Porsche was in the house. She talked game with them for about eight minutes all season, and even then, she didn’t start playing until Day 52. Kalia defends Porsche (with Daniele nodding along), saying that Porsche played when she had to, noting that if there’s not a good reason to stick your neck out on the line, then why would you? Are you serious? Is she serious?

Jordan scoffs at this, asking them if they seriously think Porsche was a better player than Adam, and they say she was, with Daniele noting that Porsche won more competitions than Adam. As of this very instant, Adam has three wins (one HOH and two POVs), while Porsche has three and a half wins (one HOH, two POVs, and Part 2 of the final HOH). How does that make her a better player?

Shelly takes up the mantle, saying that Adam coasted through the game, never making a big move despite being given several opportunities. Daniele and Kalia echo that sentiment. Um, didn’t you just defend Porsche for the exact same thing? If it’s good game play for Porsche to stay under the radar unless it suits her purpose, why is it bad game play for Adam to do the same thing? Oh wait, it’s because Porsche was doing what you wanted and Adam wasn’t. I forgot. Freaking hypocrites.

Jordan and Jeff stick up for Adam, noting that he played both sides of the house when he needed to, in order to keep himself safe. However, when push came to shove and it was time to display loyalty, he picked his side and was loyal to his alliance. That means a lot to them. Shelly counters that Adam gave his word and stuck to it at the moment of truth, but that he waffled the rest of the time. Yeah, what she just said didn’t make any sense to me, either. He was loyal to his alliance, but he also was wishy-washy about alliances? Pick one, Shelly.

Jordan again endorses Adam, telling the others that Adam was playing the game from the very first minute, while Porsche, again, didn’t start playing until at least 50 days in. Daniele disagrees, saying that Adam always went to someone else to ask them what he should do.

She classifies him as a new type of player, a “piggybacker,” saying that Adam never once thought for himself.

Shelly finally decides to defend Adam, noting that Porsche never talked game except when she and Kalia were “playing Daniele’s game” and doing her bidding. This sets Kalia off once again, protesting that she made her own decisions, and so did Porsche. Yeah, except for the fact that we have irrefutable video evidence (the Fast Forward) of the two of you openly declaring that you were making moves for Daniele’s sake. Shut up, Kalia!

Kalia and Jeff argue back and forth on this topic, with Kalia displaying every aspect of the stereotypical “crazy black chick.” She talks over him and louder than him, then tells him to stop yelling. She bobs and weaves her head, and she makes elaborate hand gestures in an attempt to shut him up. She finally ends the discussion by saying that the discussion is over, “Period!” Brendon laughs and pounds the nearby table, declaring the meeting adjourned. You know you have a bad cast when Brendon of all people is the one laughing at everyone else’s histrionics.

With that, it’s time for Part 3 of the final HOH competition. As is tradition, the competition will be jury quotes.

Julie will read a sentence from one of the six current jurors, then give Rachel and Porsche two options as to how the sentence ends. They must select “A” or “B” to correspond with their guess. Whoever gets the most right wins.

Statement #1 (Brendon): “The moment in the house that I’m afraid to have my friends and family see is…
A) the moment I was evicted for the second time,” or
B) not doing better in endurance competitions.”
The answer is “A,” but both choose “B,” so no points yet.

Statement #2 (Daniele): “The most shocking moment in the house was when…
A) America voted Brendon back into the game,” or
B) I found out my dad would not be returning to the game.”
Porsche picks “A” and Rachel chooses “B.” Rachel gets a point.

Statement #3 (Shelly): “The fatal error I made in the house was…
A) turning against Jeff and Jordan,” or
B) voting to evict Jeff one week too soon.”
Both ladies choose “A” and both are wrong again. I don’t think I’ve ever seen this poor of a showing in this competition.

Statement #4 (Jeff): “The best thing about being in the house was…
A) getting to spend the summer with Jordan,” or
B) getting rid of Daniele.”
Amazingly, both Rachel and Porsche pick “B,” when “A” is the obvious answer. Even the audience laughs at how stupid that was. I award them no points, and may God have mercy on their souls (10 points if you get the reference).

Statement #5 (Kalia): “The biggest lie told in the house this season was…
A) that Adam was loyal to the newbies,” or
B) anything that came out of Shelly’s mouth.”
Porsche picks “A” while Rachel picks “B.” The answer is “B,” which means that Rachel is the final HOH, and is guaranteed at least second place. I may vomit.

Seriously, how stupid are these people? The only statement of those five that wasn’t obvious was Brendon’s. Also, I’ve never seen anyone clinch this competition before all six statements were read (bearing in mind I’ve missed a season or two along the way). That’s how terrible these two are. Rachel clinched victory with a 2-0 score after five questions. Pathetic.

Speaking of pathetic, Rachel is beside herself crying. She’s sobbing uncontrollably at the fact that she’s a finalist. Seriously, Halle Berry didn’t cry this much when she won her Oscar. I can hear Rachel now. “This is for every nameless, faceless, Bat-Poo Insane twit that has gotten everything in her life handed to her over much more mentally stable people!”

After a commercial break, it’s time for the final eviction. As HOH, Rachel will cast the only vote. As always, the default nominees get one final plea. Porsche goes first and reminds Rachel of their final two deal, and says that they were friends in the beginning and friends in the end.

Adam gives a brief shout-out to his heavy metal friends who are at a concert at Yankee Stadium tonight instead of watching the show, then he turns his attention to Rachel. He brings up the fact that she always harps against floaters. Now is the time for her to finally live up to that lip service.

Porsche was loyal to Rachel when she needed a Golden Key, but as soon as Brendon was gone, so was Porsche, only to return when she needed Rachel to take her to the end. Adam, on the other hand has been with her from the beginning, pumping her up and supporting her when she needed a friend. Last year Rachel said, “Floaters grab a life vest,” and now it’s going to be “Floater gets a paycheck?” He hopes she’ll do what’s right. Even Julie is impressed with Adam’s speech. Sadly it will make no difference.

Rachel stands up to make her decision, telling the two nominees that she had to fight the entire game because she was a target from Day 1. After Brendon left, she played “100% by myself, but I had allies.”

(Huh?) She adds that there’s been one person who she’s worked closely with the last few weeks, who has carried her and helped her with the game, and that person is Adam… so she’s evicting him. Such a hypocrite.

Adam takes his loss at the finish line in stride, hugging both girls before giving one last metal scream on his way out the door. As he exits the house to the tumultuous applause of the studio audience, the disgusting truth of the moment sets in. Either Rachel or Porsche is going to win. Seriously, I feel ill.

Adam gives Julie a big hug when he gets to her, while inside the house, Porsche has to calm Rachel down, as she’s beside herself with tears again. This time, the tears are of guilt, because she knows she crushed Adam’s dreams right at the very end. It’s the first time I’ve ever seen her display anything remotely close to human empathy, so I’ll enjoy it for a second. Okay, done.

Adam sits down with Julie for a brief exit interview. She asks him if Rachel made the right decision in evicting him, given his lack of competition prowess. Adam notes that he won just as many competitions as Porsche, but he does say that Rachel made the right move, as he would have won had he stayed. This statement draws both laughter and applause from the studio audience, so I’m not sure what to make of it.

Adam elaborates, saying that he played an honest game, and used his sense of humor to forge good relationships in the house. He’s friends with everyone on the jury, so he’s certain they would have voted for him. If he was against Porsche, I’d say he’s right. Against Rachel, it’s a toss-up at best.

Julie sends Adam off to join the jury backstage, but not before two quick items are attended to. First, Adam asks Julie to talk to her friend Sharon Osbourne (her co-host on The Talk) and hook him up with backstage passes the next time Ozzy goes on tour. Secondly, Adam rushes into the audience to embrace his girlfriend, Fara. He kisses her long and hard, and as the audience cheers, the stage managers lower the houselights in order to put a spotlight on the couple. It’s almost as if they planned it.

After another commercial break, the jury is brought into the studio in the order of their eviction. They take their seats off to the side. Julie then brings out Adam. Brendon cheers and pumps his fists, again more happy that Rachel survived than anything else, while Kalia squeals with delight that Adam lost. Again, since when is Brendon the classier individual?

With that, it’s time for the jury questions. As Julie notes, the six original jurors decided on the questions as a group. For those who don’t know, what this really means is that the producers gave them questions, and the jurors decided which ones would be used and who would ask them. These people did not come up with these queries on their own.

The first question is for Rachel, and it comes from Brendon. He notes that the jurors think Rachel did and said some very hurtful things that had nothing to do with strategy. Why does she think she deserves to be rewarded for this behavior? Producer-generated or not, that’s a good question.

Unfortunately, Rachel dodges it faster than a politician spouting talking points. She briefly apologizes if she upset anyone (note she said if she upset anyone, not that she upset anyone – just more evidence of her Bat-Poo Insane lack of self-awareness), then goes into the spiel she’s been reciting for weeks about being the biggest target in the game and having to fight her way through the game by winning competitions.

Just as a point of order, how can Rachel have been the “biggest target in the game” if she was never evicted?

She may have been a target, but every time she was on the block, the voter(s) had bigger targets in mind, so she didn’t have to fight nearly as hard as she claims.

Jordan’s question is for Porsche. She repeats what she said in the deliberation segment – that all Porsche did was wear bikinis and cook – so why does he deserve to win? She says she got a Golden Key early on, which forced her to play a social game (why is a social game “forced?”), but she played in as many competitions as she was allowed to. Also, she says she talked game with everyone on the jury, a statement that both Jeff and Jordan have already countered.

Kalia asks Rachel what she did aside from competitions to win. Again, good question, and again, Rachel botches it. She says she won a lot of competitions to keep the target off her back. Rachel, the question was what you did aside from competitions. She then states that she had to play a social game when Brendon left (because Brendon was the shield that allowed her to act like a complete bitch without fear of reprisal), and that she made big moves like evicting Kalia, because she was sure Kalia would have won had she made the end. So once again, Rachel didn’t answer the question, and she proved how much of a floater she became by kissing Kalia’s butt.

Shelly asks Porsche when she officially started playing the game, and asks her to list her biggest game moves.

She says she started playing in the first week, when she “accepted” a Golden Key and the exemption from competitions in order to get rid of Keith. That’s not game play, Porsche, that’s surviving a vote. If you didn’t “accept” the Golden Key, you would have been evicted. Mind you, if she had framed it as aggressively trying to get Keith evicted once the Golden Keys were announced, then it would count as a game move, but sitting back and waiting for votes to come in is not playing the game. She then says she made lots of big moves after the Fast Forward, but doesn’t say what they were.

With that, the jury questioning is complete. Wait, we only got four questions. What about Jeff and Daniele? I saw cards in their laps. And what about Adam? The last evictee is the only one who gets an off-the-cuff question. So basically, we truncated the questioning, and the finalists failed to competently answer the few questions that were posed. Apropos of this entire wasted season, this whole segment has been one giant, epic fail.

It’s time to vote for a winner, but first, the ladies get one final plea. Rachel makes the same argument about competing and being the biggest target that she’s made all night (and for the past four weeks or so).

Porsche says that she’s already talked to Adam, so she directs her plea to the other six. She says that they were the six people who voted to keep her in the house the first week (crap, she’s right), and that she’s proven what she could do once they showed some faith in her. She hopes that their faith in her will carry a little bit further, enough for them to vote for her again tonight. Honestly, this is the smartest thing she’s said all season. Then again, she could have said, “Cows go ‘moo,’” and it would have still been in the top five.

If I’m forced to vote for one of this idiots, my vote reluctantly goes to Rachel. As much as I despise her, she played a more complete game from start to finish than Porsche did. I don’t put nearly as much stock in competitions as these people do, but it is one of the elements to consider when picking a winner. Since it’s the only aspect that either player cited in their case to win, I have to give it to Rachel, as she did better than Porsche, even when you discount Porsche’s two weeks on the sidelines with the Golden Key.

Rachel would get my vote, but saying she’s “better” than Porsche is a relative term. For example, it’s “better” to have rocks thrown at you for five minutes as opposed to ten. The situation still sucks, but one sucks slightly less than the other. Either way, this is the most undeserving final two since Natalie and Jordan, and is easily one of the least deserving of all time.

With that, it’s time to vote. Each juror will come up in the order they were evicted and place a key in the Magic Cheese Wheel of Death to represent who they’re voting for. As they place the key, they can make one last statement to the finalists, so long as it doesn’t give away their vote.

Brendon is up first, and his vote is obvious. He jokes that his decision is a difficult one. However, he notes that the reason he saved her with the POV so long ago (earning himself a Reality TV Hall of Shame induction) was that he believed she would do better than him. Apparently he was right.

Daniele is next. She tells Porsche she loves her, then quips to Rachel that she’s lucky this isn’t a personality contest. There’s the Daniele I know and love. Jeff places his key by noting that he doesn’t have anything cute to say, which is in itself cute and draws laughs from the audience.

Shelly congratulates both ladies and wishes them luck. Kalia merely says, “Pajama, pajama,” which is an in-joke with Porsche about all the time they spent sleeping in the house. Jordan echoes Shelly’s congratulatory sentiments, and tells Rachel she misses her, even though they’ve only been apart for six days.

Finally, we have Adam. Going out with a bang, he apologizes to Fara for not bringing home the bacon this time, but promises he’ll win next time when he’s brought back for the next All-Star season. I’d say he’s delusional to think he’ll be invited back, but I’ve stated before that oftentimes character trumps game play when it comes to returning players, so he’s got a halfway decent chance.

He then tells Rachel her best move in the entire game was evicting him, as he would have won the game. He also congratulates Porsche for beating him in Part 2 of the final HOH, as he got four of the five questions in Part 3 right (meaning he would have won the final HOH had he been able to compete for it). “If I didn’t throw my goggles and if I didn’t smoke, I would have won this whole thing!” He gets appreciative laughs and applause from the audience.

With the voting complete, it’s time to reunite the entire cast, so Julie reintroduces us to Evel Dick, Keith, Cassi, Dominic, and the most recent Reality TV Hall of Shame inductee, Lawon, for a little bit of dishing on the season. I’ll save you all some suspense now: Keith, Lawon, and Dominic don’t get to say a damn thing.

We’ll start with Evel Dick, who only got to play for six days before leaving the game (and in an odd twist of fate, it was a good thing too, as he needed emergency gallbladder surgery just a couple of weeks ago). Since he formed the veterans alliance, how does he think it turned out? Dick thinks it could have been the greatest alliance in Big Brother history had they all stuck together (Daniele emphatically shakes her head on the other side of the room), but his daughter had to go and blow it all up.

Julie follows up by asking Dick if he feels Daniele was solely responsible for the alliance’s fracture, and both Dick and Daniele agree that she was. Daniele elaborates, saying that one of the biggest mistakes you can make is forming an alliance in the first few days (Brigade notwithstanding) because she realized that after a couple of weeks she didn’t mesh with the other veterans’ personalities and therefore didn’t want to work with them anymore. She wanted to work with the people on the other side with whom she had formed good friendships.

How does Dick assess Daniele’s play to backdoor Jeff early on? After Dick jokes that he’s supposed to talk smack about his daughter behind her back and not to her face (chortle!), he says that it was a textbook example of playing too hard, too fast. He’s a realist in this game, and he knew that the odds of the veterans running the table were slim to none. Eventually the newbies would have won an HOH along the way, and that would have been the time to get in their ears and get Jeff out. Daniele could have had a secret alliance with Kalia and Porsche, with the blood for Jeff’s eviction going on their hands rather than hers.

Turning to the newbies, what was the most surprising thing Cassi saw this season? She initially jokes about how cute Adam is under the beard (he’s trimmed it into a neat goatee tonight). She then gets serious and says that Shelly shocked her with how ruthless of a game she played. Cassi completely respects and admires Shelly’s game play, as she had all the pre-jury bootees fooled, herself included. Cassi would have never campaigned against Shelly, and if she wasn’t voted out when she was, Shelly would have gotten her eventually.

In her defense, Shelly says that she knew she was never going to be able to win competitions, so the social and strategic game was her only means of survival. Being a social butterfly, she had to play both sides and pretend she was in with everyone. Was it dishonest? Yes, but that’s the game. Shelly adores Cassi and they will be friends for life. Cassi agrees.

Julie asks Jeff if he and Shelly have made amends after her betrayal, and he says they have. It hurt in the moment, and he was certainly very upset when Shelly first arrived at the jury house. But time heals all wounds. This is just a game, and while her actions hurt him on a personal and game level, in the end, they just put it aside, and they’re friends again.

Julie then gives Kalia the floor, allowing her to speak on any topic she so desires, since Kalia had to oh so often bite her tongue. Again, Kalia again protests that she played her own game, not Daniele’s. And again, I say that I believed her right up until she and Porsche evicted Jeff while stating that they were doing so on Daniele’s behalf. Kalia told the house she gave Daniele her word when she nominated Jeff and evicted him, and Porsche said that not using the POV on Jeff is what Daniele would have wanted. They may have played their own game the rest of the season (I doubt it), but at least in that one moment, they were both playing Daniele’s game.

Going back to Jeff, Julie wants to know if he and Daniele get along now. Jeff is diplomatic, but it’s clear that he and Daniele are not friends. He even jokes that they returned each other’s friendship bracelets. Isn’t that how people were eliminated on Love in the Wild? He says there’s no hatred or anger between them, but they’ll just go their separate ways once this is all over.

With that, it’s time to finally reveal the winner of this train wreck of a season. There are seven votes, so it takes four to win. Brendon’s vote, obviously, went to Rachel. Daniele’s went to Porsche. Jeff voted for Rachel, as did Shelly. Both Porsche and Rachel appear to be rather surprised at that one! Kalia voted for Porsche. Jordan’s vote is somewhat given away by us seeing her giggling over Julie’s shoulder before Julie reads it, but her vote for Rachel seals it.

Ladies and gentlemen, Rachel Is Bat-Poo Insane… and the winner of Big Brother 13! Rachel and Porsche exit the house to cheers and confetti, and I excuse myself so I can rush to the bathroom.

After one more commercial break (enough time for me to develop temporary bulimia), there’s one last piece of business to attend to. After revealing Adam’s vote for Porsche, meaning the official tally for Rachel is a 4-3 win, Julie announces the winner of the Audience Prize of $25,000. For the second time in his Big Brother career, the prize goes to Jeff.

With that, the season has drawn to a close. It’s oddly appropriate that in one of the worst seasons of all time, one of the worst players of all time takes down the grand prize. Despite months of the entire house protesting that they didn’t want to pay for Rachel and Brendon’s wedding, that’s exactly what happened. I pray that next season sees a return to legitimate game play rather than Jersey Shore-esque drama, but given the fact that Rachel has been shoved down our throats twice (and especially now that she’s a winner and the fact that TV ratings did well), I’m not holding my breath.

Until next season…

CHENBOT! HIBERNATE!

GRODNER! PUT ME IN THE HOUSE ALREADY!



http://www.realitynewsonline.com/cgi...963.art&page=1

[Steve3]

The season sucked so badly. Hated it. Barely watched it. Too much production interference. Rachel should have left the week of the first Pandora's box, which was quickly inserted to save both Rachel and Jordan. The fact that we had to put up with Rachel the entire season, says it all. I never want to hear that voice again, or see that red headed mess on the TV. Good luck with her wedding, which won't last long, and I hope she drifts into TV oblivion.

[Y-man]

I thought Production and Directing was horrible last night. Everything was rushed and out sync. Just was a horribly produced show. It looked like a bunch of Interns were running it last night. I understand a show is live, but, plenty of Live shows look a lot smoother than this thing did. I've seen better run Live shows on Local Access Cable than this thing.