Jun. 18, 2013

Well, hot off the hot mess of Trystian, mayo, and being escorted off the premises in the last Toddlers & Tiaras episode, we’re now in a calmer mood as Pageant DIE-rector Annette tells us about the Universal Royalty: Galaxy Queen pageant. Make it rain stars, Annette!

Better hope Shatner doesn’t find out about your version of “Rocket Man” Annette!

They start this episode like a Star Wars movie, “Not that long ago…in a pageant not that far away…” ha! “I do have my outer space face!” she says. Actually, if anyone has an alien face, it’s pageant die-rector Carol Fleming.
“The theme of the pageant is all about space…stars, the atmosphere, NASA,” Annette tells us. They plan to “glitz up” outer space. Well, you’re out there, that’s for sure.

First up, in Pearland, Texas, we meet a family we’ve seen before, the 5-generation of pageant women who rely on Jesus and God to get them through the minutiae of their day. “Jesus, make sure the milk is not sour.” Like Jesus has that kind of time on his hands.

Dreaming of a reality show, minus Grandma NeNe.

Mom Kymberli is sporting a blue bob this time and she tells us that her daughter Katlyn is back bigger than ever, “You’d better believe that…SON.” WTH? Also, how did you forget another vowel in KAT-lyn’s name? I’d like an “i” or a “y” for fifty, Pat.

Kymberli tells us that now that Katlyn is four, it’s more nerve-wracking because now it’s all about modeling. And if you remember correctly, Katlyn really isn’t about pageants, period. She seems to fight it a lot.

Portrait of a girl with no grip on reality. Can you blame her? That sofa ROCKS.

Kymberli tells us that the house is a hot mess right now because she and Katlyn are in one room, her mother is in another room, some random woman named Alex is in yet another room, and they all think they are boss. And they all probably invoke Jesus’s name every time they run out of Cornflakes.

NeNe (grandma) interviews that things are very tense between her and Kymberli in terms of getting ready for pageants. Perhaps another hobby is on someone’s horizon? Pray to Jesus to send you a scrapbooking introductory kit.

Jackin’ the eyeroll to Jesus.

Kymberli and NeNe argue about Katlyn’s practicing, and NeNe starts praying as the episode overlays religious organ music. Kymberli is like what the hell are you stressing for?

Smite the other pageant girls, Lord, smite them good.

“At the end of the day, if it wasn’t for the Lord your Savior Jesus Christ, we wouldn’t be able to do pageants, and we’d all probably be…extinct or something,” Kymberli says. Oh, Kymberli, you just became a creationist! Be careful!

“But do I think sometimes NeNe overdoes it? Yes I do,” she finishes. Is it any wonder there are no men to be found in this family? Oh wait…there is one on the sofa, in braids or dreads or something. But no balls, of that I’m sure.

“If the Lord had an answering machine, NeNe would be on there every day,” Kymberli says. Bet the minister at their church has contemplated suicide more than once.

Over in Austin, Texas, we meet Ava, 3, who is shooting a play gun at Miss Cambrie and her bare abdomen, and her mother Ashley. Ashley tells us that Ava is a paranormal ghost-seeing zombie hunter.

Pageant material should not look like the recapper after a morning workout.

Ashley tells us that she is a “zombie enthusiast,” and then she says, “When the zombie apocalypse happens, I’m gonna survive. And I’m going to be in a crop top, some shorts, my Nike’s, and like, looking really cute and stuff. Blood everywhere, and I’m going to have zombies around me, and they’re gonna be like my pets.” I was hoping she’d laugh at the end of this sentence, but she did not.

How could somebody so Asian be so stupid?

This next scene is almost surreal, maybe something out of a David Lynch movie…Miss Cambrie really should re-think the crop top and tight fitting jeggings with the nine-inch zipper, Ava is acting like a little maniac instead of practicing, and mom Ashley is “viping” which makes her look like a trashier ho-bag than I’m sensing she already is. She has shamed her family back 10 generations.

Because you aren’t cool enough to smoke?

Ashley asks, “Who’s Miss Cambrie’s boyfriend?” and her son says, “Daddy!” Awkwaaard. Until we find out that Ashley and her husband Mark aren’t married anymore, they date other people, but live in the same house.

Methinks someone puts out regularly to get the ex to pay for pageants. Call it a hunch.

Awkward family photo, but not for the reasons they normally are.

And finally, in McAllen, Texas, we meet our first ulcer-laden pageant girl Iyslah, 7, and mom Ruby. Iyslah is adorable, well-spoken and has the eyebrows of Madonna’s daughter Lourdes. Iyslah has done ONE – count ‘em – ONE pageant and it was natural. So you know this is going to be a comedy of errors thanks to the uneducated adults.

The ShamBrow™ better gird its loins!

Grandma spent $3000-4000, which I doubt because it doesn’t look like it, and then Ruby says, “I didn’t have time to order flappers,” uh, it’s flippers, flappers are from the 1920s, and if you didn’t know that you are screwed. They ordered something called an “instant smile” that ended up looking horrible so they are going with her real teeth, which are in dire need of an orthodontist and I should know, having lived a majority of my youth in metal.

Ruby takes Iyslah to see her grandfather who is the county commissioner, and Iyslah was invited to be “honored as a resident of the Rio Grande Valley,” which…really? Calling the commissioner granddaughter to be honored? Small town politics. Ick.

Grandpa Joe tells us that the whole community is very involved with Iyslah going to the pageant. As if the community has that kind of time on its hands! She tells the group she is going to try to do her best. She says she wants to win the biggest crown so she can bring it back to the county. Which is adorable. And the ulcer begins…

If I don’t come home with the crown, I promise the city I won’t come home at all!

Oh Lord, take me now! Kymberli and her praying entourage are at some wig-cutter’s place getting a wig done for Katlyn. It will be something to wear when she’s not going to college later.

The wig is bright orange because Katlyn is going as Jane Jetson. Nene is stressing. You know, given NeNe’s weight, stress on her heart, and probably her diabetes status, I don’t think Kymberli is going to have to put up with her much longer.

NeNe is pissed because Katlyn has never worn a glued-on wig and if she doesn’t like it, “I hope her mother has a plan B.” Too bad we can’t Plan B NeNe at this point, she’s just a ball of negativity and judgment. Like most Christians.

So positive.

Of course Katlyn is throwing a fit because she really is an unpleasant child mostly because they are forcing her into these pageants that she really doesn’t seem to like to do. Alex says Katlyn is starting to look like Chucky, NeNe says Chucky’s bride, and Katlyn is just whining up a storm.

Personally, I thought she looked like the deranged illegitimate daughter of Raggedy Ann and Ronald McDonald.

“I’m gonna just pray on this situation, ‘cause I need y’all to get some ‘Come Jesus’ in this moment, right now,” NeNe says. What. THE HELL. Is she talking about????

The wig ends up looking great and now NeNe’s in tears she’s so happy. Woman should really consider some counseling and perhaps meds. Outside of insulin.

Kymberli’s worry is that she’s incorporating more gymnastics into Katlyn’s routine and wigs don’t normally like gravity. I thought that’s why they were gluing it to her head? Should have used super-glue instead of something non-toxic.

Katlyn is practicing and she kind of sucks at somersaults. And practicing.

So NeNe decides to do a somersault and waddles over – seriously, she really looks like her legs are in pain (diabetes in action!) – and everyone dials 9-1 on their phones waiting for the inevitable need to dial the final “1” when things go terribly, terribly wrong. What people won’t do to get their own Honey Boo-Boo spinoffs.

NeNe may have put that tampon in wrong.

“Please God, let her get over, ‘cause we’re not going to the hospital,” Kymberli says.

This is what we are going to see, right before the earth collapses into itself.

They need three spotters on NeNe to make sure she doesn’t create a black hole when she overturns, and Jesus’s name is yet again invoked as NeNe spills over diagonally. Katlyn interviews, “Jesus take the wheel!” Yes, and jam that vehicle into a telephone pole while no one is wearing seatbelts!

My bad…THIS is what we are going to see right before the earth collapses. WATCH OUT!

And in another step of revoking Ashley’s Asian Heritage, we are at Buffalo Billiards with Ava and Miss Cambrie.

They are there to “channel spirits.” Ashley tells us that if you are spiritually open to “stuff like that” it can “do miracles.” Like what, exactly? What can being open to channeling spirits do for you? What has it done for them?

Saved them from cancer? Gotten them the winning lottery numbers? I need an example of a miracle, please.

Sadly, we do not get one, mostly because what she is saying is TOTAL AND COMPLETE BULLSHIT.

I’d better cash her check before the bank channels a bounced check fee.

“Back in the day, I used to channel spirits to pass my tests,” she says, but I think what she meant to say was, “Back in the day, I used to channel passing grades by showing my tits.” Also, I doubt she was really taking any difficult classes, right Remedial Fingerpainting 101?

So backwards cap guy at Buffalo Billiards asks if they are big believers in the paranormal. Miss Cambrie is like no, just here for the tax-free coaching money, and Ashley is like oh hell to the yes! “I can see ghosts,” she says. The guy asks what she can pick up.

I’m a adult who wears his cap like a douchebag frat boy. Naw, I’m not an adult.

Ashley tells us that she’s picking up on a lot of women at this place, and a lot of voices that sound like flirtation.

At a billiards bar? Flirtation? NO WAY!

The sound of flirting in a bar is almost overwhelming!

Then backwards hat guy says the Buffalo Billiards used to be a brothel! Which you could only find out about on their webpage! Dramatic music plays.

“Ghosts and zombies do not fix in my pageant box,” Miss Cambrie says. Bet daddy Mark does!

“I like pretty things. I like pretty. I like pageants. I like pretty people. I don’t like ghosts,” Miss Cambrie says.

Ashley wants to channel some pageant gods, which yes, I’m sure they hang out at billiards clubs. Ava interviews that the ghosts are going to help her win the pageant.

Ashley asks Ava if she sees ghosts and Ava says she sees a little boy but now he’s gone. Wouldn’t it be awesome if it was Haley Joel Osment who was looking at her from The Sixth Sense?

And I’m channeling that very little business is done here during the day.

Miss Cambrie is like yeah, the ghost wants us to leave and she looks a little skeeved out. She tells us that she’s never gone this far outside of her “comfort zone” to win a pageant. Oh, come on, that has to be a lie. Look at the batshit crazy moms she has to deal with. She says she’ll never do this again.

Ashley goes even stupider on us when she tells an eye-rolling Miss Cambrie (she keeps it on the inside, but you can tell) that when she found out this was a brothel, that the women there had confidence in themselves, to go up to men and sell themselves.

The strength and confidence of women who sell their bodies to survive is fantastic! Who knew prostitution was so empowering to women?

So I’m officially revoking Ashley’s Asian Card as she clearly is full-on American with her stupidity, ignorance and blatant disregard for anything grounded in reality or let’s face it, mathematics. Her family probably disowned her years ago when she fell asleep during her MCATs. Oh, who am I kidding, she probably didn’t even show up for high school. She was too busy viping.

She says the brothel full of pretty girls gives her the confidence to take the ultimate grand supreme. Whores at a brothel, little girls dressed to look like whores…maybe there is a connection.

“Not prostitute spirit, okay?” she says, clarifying things, “But we’re talking about the energy.” Of prostitutes, being channeled to help you win a kids’ pageant competition. So we’re back to prostitots. Rage on, former Asian, rage on.

“People probably think I’m a crazy mom for doing this, but it’s gonna work,” she says. Less crazy, more ignorant. And if it does work…that just validates it.

Back with Iyslah, who is at the studio practicing with her coach. Turns out she’s been practicing 2-3 hours a day for the last two weeks…which, that’s a lot for a little kid and for the pocketbook. The coach seems normal and says she just wants them to be prepared. Don’t worry – first glitz pageant? They won’t be.

Do this routine right or you will grow antlers.

Coach Nellie rides Iyslah like a rented mule and mom Ruby keeps telling Iyslah to stand up straight, pushing in her belly (looks like she’s swaying out). Between Ruby and Coach, Iyslah stresses bigtime, runs over to the chair and starts crying. So the ulcer has fully taken ahold of her stomach lining and is beginning to rot away her young body. All for a stupid crown, probably made by Ashley’s Asian relatives. Former relatives.

Scoliosis, Table of one…and stop judging, little sis.

“There’s a lot of people watching me and I have a lot of stress,” she interviews. At seven, you shouldn’t even know what that word means.

Ruby interviews that Iyslah broke down because she’s a perfectionist and that’s what it takes to win. No, she broke down because she’s being constantly criticized by you and her coach and she’s doing her best and YOU want her to be perfect for her SECOND pageant, FIRST glitz. Talk about Jesus needing to take the wheel…over to the library where Iyslah can study for the next spelling bee.

Fun times had by all except those participating.

And speaking of Jesus, we’re back with Kymberli and NeNe who say this pageant is called, “Outta this World,” which is kind of close. Then the two of them start naming planets, “Mars, Jupiter, Your Anus, Satur-in, Pluto [which in 2006 was no longer considered a planet], Mer-curry, Eardhh, uhm…uhm…,” and NeNe says, “Lord, give us the next one…” and Kymberli says, “He’s not going to send us a text message!” Yeah, I’m pretty sure your Lord and Savior has not only unfriended you, but put you down as spam in his email and ignored any LinkedIn requests. His tweets include #shutupkymberlienene.

So NeNe, Alex, Kymberli and Katlyn take off in the smallest car ever (or maybe it just looks that way given the cargo) to go to the pageant, none of them in seatbelts. I mean, maybe since it’s mostly done for the cameras they don’t think about it, but still…that always gets me. But let’s be honest…NeNe could be her own airbag.
WAIT! WAIT! Kymberli forgot the makeup bag…which leads me to believe they really were taking off, so PUT ON YOUR SEATBELTS. She is convinced they are going to take home ultimate grand supreme. Only when it’s delivered from Pizza Hut, sister.

PAGEANT DAY! Annette looks fantastic in the red sequined top and her hair down…fight the intergalactic power, sister! One of the awards for the ultimate grand supreme with extra cheese is a trip to space camp, which would be AWESOME if any of these girls were actually encouraged to study science or math instead of pole dancing and celebutardism.

Diana Ross can suck it!

So Annette reviews the kids…Ava is a heavy-hitter (unfortunately trying to hit ghosts is impossible!) and she says 2-3 people dropped out of the competition once they found out she was competing (translation: stupid Asians make people uncomfortable, it’s so not natural); then she says the funniest thing… “Because so many people dropped out, I had to combine the three year age group with the 4-5 year age group…TOGETHER!” She is way too excited about her combo-platter of kids there.

If she is leaking, you are responsible for mopping up.

She hopes Iyslah can hang with the glitz girls (what more can you say?); Katlyn is a fierce competitor and Annette loves her praying-too-much family. Sweet Jesus.

Let’s get this thing started, but before that, let’s meet the first of two Willy Wonka look-alike pageant judges, the first being Tweedle Dee, the next being Tweedle Dum. “Without facial beauty, you don’t have a beauty pageant,” guess which one says.

P. Allen Smith + Willy Wonka + Animal from The Muppets

Ava is getting ready and says they brought Ava’s ghosts…which we’ll see when she goes onstage. Except they don’t exist, so I’m thinking we won’t.

Katlyn is screaming her head off and keeping the bustle of her skirt away from NeNe. Shut that kid up! Kymberli says she’s very nervous because of the switch to the 4-year old group and once again Katlyn screeches at the top of her lungs.

If Jesus can help you with anything, it’s dealing with this brat.

Iyslah is nervous as hell and once again her mother brings up how the WHOLE COMMUNITY is counting on Iyslah to bring home the highest title given that this is her FIRST GLITZ PAGEANT and seems totally achievable. Should probably consider adding some Pepto to her Med Pull today.

It never ends with these moms, does it?

“Whooo…Jesus take the wheel, take the wheel…” NeNe says. You know, this is really a disrespectful way to treat your Lord & Savior…I mean, it’s not God’s job to make sure you win a pageant. Also, that reminds me that I need to pick up some things over at Lord & Savior department store.

If there is a God, perhaps he’ll strike you with lightning before those cowbells go crazy!

“Take the stage, Lord, take the stage,” she says. HE IS NOT COMPETING! He missed the maximum age limit like almost 2000 years ago. Kymberli is shitting herself silly and says she’s been praying on it, but don’t tell NeNe because she’ll rub it in her face. What, the shitting or praying?

Or perhaps she’ll just make you eat it.

First up is Katlyn and stupid NeNe is shouting and banging around a cowbell, which hello, EVERYONE HATES!

Katlyn totally sucks…she is stiff, her neck is sticking out like a crane pushing out an egg and she looks totally scared. It’s not great. Plus, she keeps looking at her family for guidance.

Are you guys going to bite?

Most painful wink in the history of the pageant world.

So Tweedle Dee says that Katlyn was good in modeling but the problem is “her mother [he actually means NeNe] is very aggressive. Screaming, yelling, cow-belling…it’s very alarming.” She shouldn’t get points taken off because she has idiot relatives, though. And I thought her modeling sucked.

You know what is NOT helping your credibility? Oh, forget it, we don’t have time…

Ava is having a total and complete meltdown because the spirits have overtaken her and now she needs an exorcist! The worst part is that nobody seems to know why she is having a meltdown…she’s not hurt, she’s not hungry, she’s not thirsty, she’s just lost her shit completely. Maybe she saw a ghost!

Your talons near her eyes are probably not helping calm her down.

Ava finally makes it to the stage and pulls it together. She looks cute in her Asian-inspired dress but not sure the open-to-new-things Texans will appreciate that, you know, because of Vietnam. But she had a lot of enthusiasm and is very pretty. Tweedle Dum loved her but said she needed more bling on her dress.

Uncle Sam wants YOU!

Next up is Iyslah’s group…and shit! The girl in front of her has a yellow dress too. Oh, catastrophe of 3rd world proportions!

Okay, it is a bit fluffalicious.

Iyslahis pretty but blinks a little too much and is kind of stiff, but Tweedle Dum thought her skirt was too fluffy, so he counted off. If anyone knows too much fluff…

…it’s this guy.

Space Wear is next! Hope it’s out of this world! Dad Mark says competition is pretty tough so he’s not sure how Ava is going to do.

Ava has a Buzz Lightyear outfit on and one judge said that although she was good, the routine was a little sophisticated for someone her age. If only she channeled Ginger Rogers during the routine.

This has Boom Boom Room written all over it!

Ashley says she’s proud then says, “Yep, that’s my kid…Look at her mom, look at her mom, I know I’m cute, so…” Yeah, you’re kind of arrogant. Added to how dumb you are, may I introduce you to Trystian from last week? You two would get along swimmingly.

Kymberli is freaking out about the wig again and she says they had to use one thousand and fifty-five billion bobby pins. “It was a hot, freakin’ mess,” she says. Is she talking about the wig or Katlyn herself? Katlyn is screaming bloody murder because billions of bobby pins will hurt when they are being jammed into your scalp.

Kymberli says, “Lord, Jesus, we need a moment of silence for that,” and organ music plays as Kyberli looks up.

“I can’t take it.” Neither can Lord & Savior!

Another jacked to Jesus eyeroll. At least this family is consistent.

Katlyn looks okay – something is off – but she gets onstage in the Jetson’s space ship and then she runs all over the place, tries to follow the different instructions of her entire family, does a flip and PRAISE JESUS, ALLAH AND BUDDHA the wig stays on. The world can rest easy tonight.

But it’s more Florence Henderson meets Jane Jetson…

Tweedle Dum said that her outfit was bought off the rack, needed more stones and could have been more fitted. That’s what was off…they didn’t spend her college fund on her costume.

“Oh, Lord, thank you!” Kymberli says.

Iyslah is having technical difficulties with the cutest outfit in the ugliest color – it’s like purple gray or something, although sometimes colors don’t come through on TV like they do in real life…look at any awards show when the women all show up in “flesh” colored dresses and they look like freakin’ death on camera.

This would have been awesome in any other color except the one they chose.

Tweedle Dee says that her outfit could have been brighter. “Even though space is dark, there are bright spots…there is a sun,” he says. He must have a PhD in astronomy.

CROWNING! NeNe is getting out the cowbells. Bitch, please, I wish your Lord & Savior had hidden those somewhere you wouldn’t have been able to find them, like the folds of your belly or at your feet that you probably haven’t seen in years.

NeNe prays, “Lord, go with Katlyn, thank you Lord Jesus for whatever she gets, thank you Jesus.” He isn’t judging! Well, at least not at this pageant. You could be in trouble at the pearly gates. Just a head’s up.

Ashley is upset because Annette called different groups but not a three-year old group. She wasn’t sure what happened since she was the only three year old, and this was kind of a weird situation. But if she was put in with the 4-5 group, shouldn’t it have been a 3-5 group? Oh, pageant math, you elude me once again.

So in the 4-5 group, they announce First Runner Up Princess…not Katlyn. Universal Royalty Queen…Kymberli says, “If this little girl pulls out, I’m gonna…use the restroom on myself!” Yeah, Jesus will NOT be taking that wheel…where were we?

Universal Royalty Queen is…not Katlyn! Are you kidding me? Wow, that other girl must have sucked it bad. So Katlyn pulls out. Hope it’s not another personality supreme.

“Oh, Lord, thank you Jesus!” Kymberli says. Bitches, you really need to stop this, even the Muslims and Orthodox Jews are like, “Damn, give your religion a rest!”

And once again someone says, “Jesus take the wheel.” And do a Thelma & Louise. PLEASE. Seriously, this is a really disrespectful way to treat your religion and God…I mean, using for your own gain…You make Christ wish he stayed dead.

Now it’s the 6-7 age group…Ruby knows Iyslah won a crown. Uh-huh. Universal Royalty Runner Up Princess…Iyslah! Way to let down your ENTIRE COMMUNITY, Iyslah! Your grandfather will probably have to resign in disgrace.

Now the city is going to take away my citizenship.

“I won first winner,” she interviews. “Runner up,” she says, sighing heavily. Probably because that ulcer has eaten away her entire stomach and now the acid is expanding throughout her abdomen and she no longer has the will to breathe.

Ruby says this is not possible because Iyslah executed everything. You mean like she killed everyone? Because maybe that was the problem. Iyslah is having a major meltdown because she knows what a pariah she’s going to be in her corner of the world. She’ll be known throughout her life as the girl who didn’t bring home the biggest crown or go to space camp.

But given the fact that she is the most articulate pageant girl we’ve seen in a long time, and she doesn’t have to invoke Jesus’s name or channel spirits, I’m going to say her not winning was a good sign that she doesn’t have the fluff needed to live totally off her looks. And I will probably be working for her someday.

Universal Royalty three grand supremes…who is it going to be? WHO? Channel those whores, Ava, channel away!

First Grand Supreme…Miss Denham…are you shitting me with that name? What a take on “denim.” Stupid parents. Second Grand Supreme…Miss Mallory. Third Grand Supreme…Katlyn!

Thank you Jesus for putting our needs before the needy!

Ultimate Grand Supreme…AVA! Which, I’m glad about, she’s so cute, but this just verifies in Ashley’s little mind the ghosts and zombies.

“Holy shit, she won!” Ashley says. She attributes it to her ghost hunting and channeling, and “believing in something that’s not there.” Wait, Kymberli and NeNe do that too, why didn’t they win the Ultimate Grand then?

Way to channel prostitutes for the win!

Iyslah is still crying but she says she did her best. She says she doesn’t want to do anymore glitz pageants.

Smartest thing she’s ever said.

Kymberli says how can you not want to do more pageants with a win like this? “Even though a couple of times I wanted to lay hands on my child,” she says, making a fist. Now bring it home for us, Kymberli, bring it right back home. “Lord! Jesus I wanted to lay my hands on her!”

Moms are interviewed at the end and Ashley, being the total and complete dipshit that she is, says she went ghost-hunting with her coach (I’m sure Coach Cambrie was like SHUT THE HELL UP!), “Because I channel and I see ghosts.” Kymberli’s eyes bulge out as she says, “Oh Lord!”

“I saw things and the pageant Gods were in my favor,” she finishes and Kymberli gives her a look that we all gave her the first time we saw this.


“Wait a minute, hold on,” Kymberli says. “Lord be in this room too.” He left you a long, long time ago, Kymberli.

She wants to know if Ashley brought the ghosts with her. Ashley says she just channels them and Kymberi says, “What channel they on?” Ashley says, “Channel 2,” which I believe is a reference to her IQ points.

Then there is some kind of creak in the room they are in, maybe NeNe walked in, and Kymberli is like, what’s that noise now and they all laugh. Because stupidity is hilarious.

Less dramatic but still stupid moms. And all the Lord & Savior invoking…thoughts on this one?