By Andrea Reiher
July 30, 2012 10:08 PM ET
Follow @andrealeigh203 on Twitter | Google

"Bachelor Pad"
kicks off Monday (July 30) with a montage of how gross and creepy the twins are. Nobody likes them and they make everybody uncomfortable. Meanwhile, Chris is still trying to balance a "partnership" with Blakeley with his wanting to get some nookie with Jamie.

The Competition

Some are acrobats there, performing with hula hoops and balls and whatnot -- Harrison says it's honor of the Summer Olympics going on "right now." Uh huh. We all know this isn't live, right? Why are we pretending?

Anyway. They all have to learn a rhythmic gymnastics routine and perform it for judges to get the rose. Oh, lordy. The two worst are given a vote against them heading into the Rose Ceremony. And the two genders are performing together as a group. They have two hours. Go!

Is this supposed to be amusing for us to watch? Because it's mostly just dumb, honestly. I don't even have funny snark, y'all. This is straight-up terrible. It makes "Big Brother" challenges look like they were planned by MENSA.

It turns out Blakeley, Jamie and Donna are the strongest of the women, while David the fan is trying really hard, but Stagliano is actually pretty good at this.

After donning their costumes (seriously), it's performance time! The judges are Ashley Hebert and JP, plus Tasha Schwikert, who was on the 2000 Sydney Olympics bronze medal-winning U.S. women's gymnastics team. Cool.

The actual performances are seriously a hot mess. How do the judges even notice who is "best"? Kalon makes some "shopping and gymnastics" comment that makes no sense. He is really slipping this time around. You can do better, Kalon.

The men are actually quite a bit better than the women and Michael Stagliano is the total leader. The worst awards go to Erica Rose (yes!) and Ed (heh). Blakeley and Stagliano win the prize.

Erica Rose talking-heads that losing two weeks in a row and getting a strike against her makes her "feel like a loser." OK, it is no fun when you make the jokes for me.

Michael's Date

Erica Rose goes to Stagliano and like begs to be taken on his date so she can get the rose and be safe. Um, that should not be allowed. If you get loser in the challenge, you should not get to go on the date and negate the vote against you. But I also may just think that because Erica Rose sucks at being a human being.

But thankfully, he ends up taking Rachel, Lindzi and Donna on his date. Thank goodness he has a brain. And of course, Erica Rose is pouting about it and outraged he took Donna. Yes, God forbid he like "the help."

Their date is one of those stupid concert things this show loves to do, only there are like 100 extras they rounded up off the streets and gave $50 to to stand there and look impressed. But Donna is, of course, losing her mind because she watches "Bachelor" concert dates and dreams big. Also, the lead singer of the band looks like if Peter Facinelli were playing a child molester in a movie.

And Stag seems to have a thing for Rachel and they start making out right there on the dance floor. Poor Donna. I mean, they aren't just kissing. They are full-on making out.

Stag takes one-on-one time, but what a sham. He and Rachel just go off and make-out some more, then poor Donna ..... shows him her sketchbook. Oh, this is so painful. She drew him. Oh my god.

And he then feels like he needs to "give her a little bit of her fantasy" and makes out with her too. Gross, Stag. Just pick one. Don't pity make-out with stalker Donna. He then gives the rose to Rachel, which -- no kidding.

Jamie's Birthday

It's Jamie's 26th birthday at the house, so Ryan the virgin non-drinker makes a play for her with a homemade cake and rose petals on her bed. He loves their "partnership." Meanwhile, Blakeley is shooting daggers at her and talking about how Jamie better watch it, but Jamie is saying Chris wants to "change partners." Um, what are these "partners" that you speak of? It was one challenge. You're not betrothed. These people are insane.

And then when Ryan tells Jamie Chris doesn't want to switch partners, Jamie gets all snotty about "Why would he stay with Blakeley? He has no romantic interest in her whatsoever." But .... OH MY GOD. That's not the POINT! These are fictional partners that in this weird narrative you've all constructed aren't ROMANTIC. WTF is going on here, y'all? Also, Jamie does not need to be acting like she's all better than a VIP cocktail waitress. Sure, it's great you're a nurse, but there's no need to be disparaging. Maybe you and Jaclyn should be partners and you can compare degrees while you chuckle in a haughty manner. Also, Blakeley doesn't VIP cocktail waitress anymore. She waxes nether regions.

Jamie does say, "I need to talk to Chris," but she unfortunately does not mean Harrison.

When she talks with Chris, he says he wants to stick with Blakeley, as she lounges in the hot tub like Jabba the Hut. Only skinny and with enormous boobs. And anyway, Chris and Jamie make out even though they are not going to be "partners."

But then that night, Chris climbs in bed with Blakeley and Jamie cries about it. Cries. Does it hurt more because she "waxes p****"?

In the morning, Chris reveals that he kissed Blakeley the night before. And Jamie insists she's not "in love" with Chris or anything. Well, then act like a grown up.

Blakeley's Date

Blakeley chooses Chris, Ed and David and David is really touched that she picked him, which is nice. They go soap box derby riding. There's a "Bachelor Pad" cup for the winner and David says he wants to win it to take home some souvenirs. My husband, who is passing through the room right at that moment, goes, "Like the clap?" *snicker*

The car decorating portion is pretty cool. Ed's pickle car is awesome, while Chris continues to be a weird d-bag by talking about b****es and the money. Who the heck knows? He also cops to being a sore loser, which he really is. Chris just continues to prove Humble Doug's point that 25 year-old guys are immature and lame.

But Ed wins the cup for winning the race, much to David's chagrin. But David still has his eyes on the rose, so he starts playing on Blakeley's emotions and acting like he's just so happy to be there. Chris is not even being subtle about his disdain. Ugh, he's the male Erica Rose, y'all. He really is. Don't act like you're something special because you were Emily Maynard's fourth choice, dude.

Anyway, David's emotional appeal to Blakeley is pretty strong, but she's fairly poker faced as to whether she's buying it. Meanwhile, Ed asks Chris if he's into Blakeley and he basically says he wants to have fun and wants the money. But to Blakeley's face, he says he is totally in it with her. Which to her, probably means something else. And she calls him on his BS and he can't even act like a good guy. Chris is the worst.

So it's a bit of a surprise when Blakeley still gives Chris the rose. Ughhhhh.

The Skanky Trainwreck

That night at the Bachelor Pad, everybody loses their minds. Someone is spraying champagne on David like he's in a porno, Erica Rose and Donna (?) make out, Lindzi and Kalon are snuggling up, Dave is making out with one of the twins, Michael is all over Rachel, and then Ed is super duper wasted. Gross man Jaclyn talks about Ed is "cool" and has "personality for dayz, yo." Um, you're like the girl in the Movie of the Week who thinks she's got the best boyfriend ever until it turns out he's a raging alcoholic and he almost kills you both on prom night.

This party is such a mess that Sarah looks around, sees all these couples swapping STDs and actually thinking to herself she needs to find a man so she's not "pathetic." I cannot take irony this thick, you guys. I am choking on it.

So she takes her top off and then gest into bed with Ed. She says, "You just know it's going to be a good time in bed." Really? With a super drunk guy? Yes, it's always been my experience that falling-down drunkards are the best lovers.

Meanwhile, the twins are ... were they homeschooled? Is that why they have no social skills? Locked in a basement with only each other for company and that's why one is super skanky and one is still a virgin and they can't relate to anybody in the whole world?

They actually get into a screaming match after everyone is in bed and one of them decides to storm out of the game. I mean, when Erica Rose is the calm, rational voice of reason, you know you have serious problems. This fight goes on 'til dawn. DAWN. In all seriousness, they need professional help.

This isn't fun to watch. This super fan thing turned out to be such a mess. Way to take a slightly interesting idea and totally eff it up, show.

The poor sad passive twin, whichever one that is, just gives in to her sister's demanding to leave and goes to say goodbye to David, who appears to not give a crap that his Thing 1 is leaving. And on the way out, mad aggressive twin is apparently mad because sad passive twin never stands up for her. What this is in reference to is anybody's guess.

Jaclyn is like, "Just f***ing go!" and for once, I agree with her. This has looooong since passed the point of being funny or interesting.

When the girls tell David the twins left, he can't believe it. He doesn't remember the passive sad twin waking him up at all. *snort*

Scrambling for Votes

So since the twins went home, the ladies are all safe. Which means David is probably the only person leaving. Except. Kalon puts a bug in Lindzi's ear about getting Ryan out because Kalon just doesn't like Ryan and Lindzi goes to work. Heh. That's the Kalon we know and love. So Lindzi, Rachel, Jaclyn and Blakeley vote for Ryan to go home.

And then Reid is still weirdly holding a grudge towards Ed over the Jillian thing (that I don't even remember and I recapped the darn thing) and Reid wants Ed out because he doesn't trust him. So Reid rounds up Jamie, Sarah, Donna and Erica Rose to vote out Ed, which is enough votes because Ed has one against him so far. Huh.

So David, a.k.a. "the help," gets no votes, it looks like. That's kind of awesome.

Then Sarah, feeling all burned because she hooked up with drunk Ed's pickle, tells Ed to his face that she voted for him and he starts to pack his bags. And then when his "feelings" get hurt, Sarah starts crying. What is with these girls? I know I should not be surprised they have emotional problems and no self-esteem, but I still am. It still surprises me.

I would just prefer to watch Lindzi and Kalon be snarky and sneaky all season, please. Oh, and then Madonna circa 1984 can't decide who to vote for. Before the safe guys are revealed, Sarah cries some more about how she sent home the one guy she has a crush on. She cries like A) her stupid crush/hook-up is the love of her life, B) she is sending him home ... to be shot in the head or something and C) like she should actually feel bad, instead of him feeling bad because he (presumably) had sex with her and then didn't include her in his alliance. Which isn't something he had to do, but it's kind of crummy.

Gotta say, Ed's a d-bag, but this show will be much more fun with him in it, so hopefully Ryan is going home.

When the Rose Ceremony finally arrives, it turns out Madonna voted for ... Ryan. And she crows about how everyone will know she's free. Free to hook up, I'm assuming is what she means. And Ryan (again - who?) has a very boring limo interview. Surprise surprise.

Next week: Chris gets d-baggier as Jamie gets more desperate, Rachel and Michael make a love connection and Ed and Reid keep fighting.

Photo/Video credit: ABC