Rock of Love Bus - Reunion Recap
Just when you thought you were done with the Rock of Love Bus, it's reunion show time. Everyone seems to have made it back for the reunion show, including the entirety of the blondtourage and perhaps most excitingly, DJ Lady Tribe. Seeing that this was a season of drama, back-stabbing, shocking decisions, and lots of smack talking, this reunion could definitely be very interesting.
Of course, like most Mindy fans, I'm hoping for a Bret Michaels Bachelor style switcharoo at the reunion. Be a man and admit you chose the wrong lady Bret! Unlike Jason Mesnick, America will love you for doing so. And, double bonus, you'll end up with a woman you might actually have a chance at a real relationship with. Seriously, think about it Bret Michaels.
As all VH1 Reality Reunion shows are, the Rock of Love Bus Reunion will be hosted by Riki Rachtman. Riki will be serving as tonight's emcee and calling up memorable girls to discuss their time on Rock of Love Bus. I, myself, would prefer that Big John emcee the Reunion and share the tidbits only he knows...maybe it'll happen on Rock of Love Bus Four.
The first girl to be called to the stage is the spiritual, belly-dancing, celibate Constantina. Constanina, of course, is wearing some sort of bejeweled dot where her third eye is located. She also bejewels Bret's third eye, which he doesn't seem to use often, as it is covered by his trademark bandanna. The only reason Riki called Constantina up is to ask about her strange vow of celibacy.
When asked if she's still celibate, Constanina says quite to the contrary, she's actually married now. After shimmying off the Rock of Love Bus tour Constantina met a great guy and was married on Christmas Eve by the Naked Cowboy. Now that is one spiritual ceremony. Turns out Constanina isn't the only woman who found love after being rejected by Bret. Two other women were engaged and married after leaving tour and one is already pregnant.
The next girls to be called to the stage are the resident alcoholics of Rock of Love Bus: Marcia, Gia, and DJ Lady Tribe. Dear god, I forgot how much I missed the train wreck of silicone and bad weave that is DJ Lady Tribe. Oh how I wish Bret could have kept you around for just one or two more episodes. When asked about their hard partying on the road, Marcia Brazil says she doesn't regret anything about her drunken ways on Rock of Love Bus. "I was real, I was honest, I was myself, I was true...and I did drink a lot." Riki asks the girls if in all seriousness, any of them realized they had a problem with alcohol after watching themselves on Rock of Love Bus. Gia has completely stopped drinking since Rock of Love Bus and is two months sober. DJ Lady Tribe also went to rehab after her time on the bus and says she is doing well and learned to be sober. Of course, DJ Lady Tribe slurs this...so who knows.
After the tour lushes are led off stage, it's time for the blondtourage to come to the stage. But wait, an extra member has been added to the blondtourage: Melissa.
Huh? Melissa may be a peroxide blonde, but she is definitely not part of the blondtourage. Ashley and Farrah, the co-presidents of the blondtourage agree with me, and Melissa is forced off stage when she doesn't know the blondtourage secret handshake. No surprise here, the blondtourage handshake does not involve hands, rather the bumping of boobs and butts. Ashley seems tossed, as usual, but Farrah is for the most part keeping her stuff together. When asked by Riki what the purpose the blondtourage, Ashley answers with her usual strange perfection: "The purpose of the blondtourage. Is what the f*ck is the purpose of Rock of Love Bus without us?" So true Ashley, so true. For a train wreck, you're awfully insightful in your own way.
Bret admits that he and the blondtourage partied pretty good and Ashley says something about her own secret handshake with Bret. Farrah agrees they brought the party to Rock of Love, noting how boring it was after they left.
Ashley chimes in with another classic line, "Who wants to see Taya crimp her hair for 8 hours?" Also, so true. Ashley, tonight you are a drunken goddess of reality TV wisdom.
Lastly, Riki asks now that Bret is out of the equation, if there's any future of a blondtourage romance. Both Ashley and Farrah seem game for this, though Ashley is also into Brittanya who she calls a "hot bitch." I myself, am hoping for A Double Shot at Love style dating show, with the blondtourage taking the place of the Ikki Twins. It would be hilarious.
Next to the stage is Brittaney Starr and I have the sinking suspicion this is going to be a train wreck in an unenjoyable way. Luckily, Brittaney seems semi-sober and not as insane as she did on the show. She's chatting with Bret and Riki about her short strange time on Rock of Love, when Riki brings up Brittaney's racially charged fight with Natasha. As Brittaney is trying to explain her ill-thought out words away, saying she just meant that she didn't think Natasha was Bret's type; a fight breaks out in the peanut gallery between Natasha and Kelsey. When Natasha stands up and says to Brittaney's comment about not being Bret's type, "of course, I'm his type, look at me." Kelsey screams, "of course you're Bret's type, you do porn." To which Natasha responds, "and I make six figures." Kelsey ups the ante by snottily replying, "Okay, Nathaniel," which sends Natasha over the edge. She comes racing down the steps in her black tutu and goes straight for Mormon girl gone wild, Kelsey. And thus begins the first Rock of Love Reunion physical fight, between two rather unlikely girls. The fight ends with weaves torn out and with Big John carrying Kelsey off stage, again. After the commercial break, the brawlers have been kicked out of the reunion. It looks like after the whole Sharon Osbourne vs. Meghan Hausserman assault law suit, VH1 isn't taking any chances.
Finally, it's what we've all been waiting for, Mindy and Bret's reunion. First up is a clip set of all of Mindy and Bret's hot and heavy times together. Wow, it must be brutal for Mindy to watch this. As a Mindy fan, it's brutal for me to watch this. Oh GOD don't show the rejection...they do, of course. The traumatic clip show ends with Mindy saying, "I thought he was looking for someone to fall in love with, not another piece of arm candy." Touche Mindy.
Oh sweet revenge, Mindy is looking gorgeous tonight in a barely there red mini-dress. Mindy slinks down the stairs, right up to Bret and plants a passionate kiss on him. Hot damn, Mindy and Bret are making out, in a big way. What is Taya going to think of this? Especially after Bret has a noticeably difficult time sitting down after kissing Mindy.
Little excited there, Bret?
Before the discussion starts with Mindy, Riki Rachtman has something to say to Bret. He thinks he made the wrong choice picking Taya, which he'd never felt about the other seasons. And with that, the crowd goes wild. After that shocking little revelation, the discussion begins. Mindy and Bret are making eyes at each other like horny teenagers and you can feel the chemistry between them. It seems that Mindy has gotten over her difficulty saying what she feels to Bret now, because she says to him, "I was in love with you and you really broke my heart. And my only regret is that I didn't say it to your face. There hasn't been a single day that I haven't thought about you or missed you.
I felt like I left my heart on the tour bus and I am sorry I didn't say I was so in love with you that I couldn't even see straight." (That could actually explain a lot about being attracted to Bret Michaels, Mindy.) Bret looks taken aback by Mindy's declaration of love and only says, "If you told me that, I very well may have been different."
Mindy says life has been good since leaving Rock of Love Bus, despite her broken heart. She says Old Navy staff want to pose with her now and that she loves it when people tell her that she was her favorite. (You're our favorite Mindy!) Mindy thinks that the reason people felt connected to her was her no bullshit realness and her vulnerability. Bret and Mindy are still making googly eyes at each other and you can see the what-have-I-done-wheels spinning in Bret's head. Mindy leaves the stage on an optimistic note, "I don't know what happens in the future. But Bret can't say he didn't find love, because I love him to death."
Last and definitely least, it's time for Bret to be reunited with his Rock of Love, Taya. They show the play back clips of Taya and Bret and it gets me thinking. There is zero passion between Taya and Bret in these clips. There's no giddiness or excitement or anything. In fact, Bret and Taya are rather coy and cold with each other during all of the clips. It makes me wonder if there was any truth to the rumor that Taya and Bret were dating before the show even started and they just used the third season to play up her Penthouse career. While on one hand, that would be so thoroughly f'd towards Mindy. On the other hand, it helps explain Taya and Bret's hands-off behavior. Taya never won a date, never had a one-on-one time till the very end, yet he still chose her. Perhaps Bret and Taya were trying so hard to act like they didn't already know each other, that they took it one step too far so it seemed to be no connection between the two of them.
Taya walks on the stage and, as usual, looks like a botoxed Prom Queen at her 20 year high school reunion. Taya and Bret kiss, but it is nowhere near as hot or genuine as the kiss he shared with Mindy. While Taya is on stage, the blondtourage have decided to turn their backs to the stage, unwilling to even acknowledge Taya's presence. Just like their time on tour together, Taya and Bret's chat with Riki is dull and uneventful. Save when Boots yells at Taya about being a stripper and when Riki asks Mindy about her former BFF. In regards to Taya's motives Mindy says, "I'm not Taya, I'm not inside her head. I never saw in her eyes what I felt in my heart. I felt smitten, I felt crazy, and I never saw that she felt that for Bret." Preach it sister! To this Taya makes another cement pageant plea, "I don't have to defend myself to Mindy or anyone. I was good to Mindy. I never stabbed her in the back. And I never would." Bret says what he liked about Taya was the way she treated the other girls. Bret Michaels, were you living the same show that I watched?
Ultimately Bret says he chose Taya because she expressed the depth of her feelings to him, while Mindy did not. Not exactly the most glowing endorsement and what now Bret Michaels? Mindy has just declared her love for you, and you didn't marry Taya.
It's time for a final commercial break and Riki is teasing about the engagement ring Bret has for Taya and whether today is the day it will be used. At the mention of Taya's engagement ring, Mind looks like she is about to vomit.
And if Bret actually proposes to Taya, I might too. After the commercial break, during which I was begging the TV Gods for a Jason Messnick style change of heart, Riki asks Taya about the engagement ring. She said that, if on the night of the final ceremony, a priest had stepped out of the palm trees and her parents swam ashore, she would have married Bret right there and then. But now that three months have passed, she's not so sure. Taya whines about how hard the past few months since Bret chose her have been, and how she hasn't had closure like the rest of the girls because she couldn't talk to anyone about the outcome. She makes the mistake of saying that even Mindy had some sort of closure, which is further proof of her ditziness. Mindy, just like Taya, couldn't talk to anyone about the outcome until after the finale, which was last week...and she was mending a broken heart. How is that closure or easier Taya? Mindy wants to know pretty much the same thing from her former BFF, screaming: "Does it seems like I have closure? I am in love with someone."
As for the future of life with his third Rock of Love, Bret seems less than optimistic or enthusiastic. He says that he and Taya will have to date and "we'll see." That doesn't sound that hopeful to me. The word love is never mentioned once between Bret or Taya when discussing their relationship, while Mindy and Bret used the word love over and over again. So Bret Michaels, if you must, date Taya for a bit, but start texting Mindy again. That girl is the closest thing to a true match you will ever meet on Rock of Love or perhaps in the real world and your best bet at something real. And unlike the woman you chose, she loves you and not what you can do for her career. If you need any proof, watch a tape of the reunion and compare your kiss with Mindy and with Taya. Do that and weep for what an idiot you are and for your poor decision making. That kiss you shared with Taya, isn't even in the same solar system of hotness as the one you shared with Mindy. Be a man, admit your mistake, and finally find love, rather than a momentary piece of arm candy. She's right there waiting for you.
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